2015 pt 1 (i hope...)

Ok, so it's been, like, forever, since I last posted anything... You know how it goes.. Lots of nothing, then things get all crazy busy, things don't work out, and things slow down again and you debate if you really want to bother rehashing it all or not, or if you even can because sometimes the wounds are just too raw..  There's been some of that.. there's also been a LOT of down, doing nothing time.. but I will cover what I can...

Late last winter, we made the decision to look into getting a private home study done. We didn't need one for foster care, and, in Alaska, if you wind up adopting from foster care, they do a child specific home study for you for free. But, we're 3 years in to our fostering, and time to get that license renewed, but we'd had no bites at all at adoption that way, so we decided we'd get this done, if nothing else, it would allow us to look at foster kids that might be up for adoption in other states. So we got started on that. We're still working on it as hubby's job has been extra crazy this spring/summer and he hasn't been home all that much to get all of his parts done.
Meanwhile, we continue to foster..  MK and R went back to their mother about the same time we decided to work on a home study. We'd had them for about 6 months. We are still in contact with them and are trying to be a support for them and their mom right now as they continue to work the program she is on. That has been hard on me in some ways, but good in others.
Then we got a little 16 month old boy for about a month. He was just adorable and a sweetie pie, but we only had him while family members were getting cleared to take him... then in May we got a call about 2 boys, a bit older then we usually take, one in first grade, the other in kindergarten. We were told that the boys had been in and out of care for 4 years now and they would soon be moving to terminate and that, if we took placement of them, odds were high we'd be able to adopt them. We were given a very brief overview of their background but were assured there were no major issues with either of them. I reminded them that they hadn't been wanting to place with us as we were getting ready to leave state in a few weeks (we had a family wedding to attend out of state) but they insisted that they would clear everything so the boys could go with us.  So we said yes. We were slightly nervous, but also hopeful. It wasn't quite the placement of our dreams, but, finally, here we had a chance. Things were hectic and crazy, and slowly began to fall apart. The boys had issues. More issues then we'd been told about.  More serious issues then we'd been told about. The trip was a disaster for us. They boys were very good at putting on a show for others, but when it was just us, it was just terrible.
It broke my heart, but we knew that, no matter what wonderful visions I'd had, no matter how much I was trying, this was just not going to work for us, and worse, was not going to work for them. We had the boys less then a month, and it had already started taking a toll on my health. So, we asked that the boys be moved. I have to hope that they found a place that was better suited for them. I never should have said yes to their placement with us, and if we'd been told the things we should have been about their issues, I never would have. But they had a brand new caseworker who didn't really know their file, and I allowed myself to be suckered in by the "if you don't take them, we might have to break up the siblings" plea... and they know we want to adopt.. *sigh*  It can be so hard to do this some times...
We took the whole month of June off from placements. We got several calls, but we turned them all down. I needed time. Emotional and physical. As  I mentioned, the whole thing took a toll on my health and I needed time to de-stress and recover..
We did accept another placement.. also one that was just supposed to be a few weeks while a family member got cleared.. though the family placement fell through, so who knows how long we will have her at the moment. A little girl, not quite 3. She is a little stinker, but cute as a button and, when she's not having massive screaming tantrums (*sigh*) she's just about the sweetest thing..
Meanwhile, we're hoping to get all of our initial home study paperwork done by the end of August, and, we've been in contact with an adoption facilitator/agency and they've agreed to work with us. They are based in California but work with families from all over. We have our first phone meeting next week. I'm very excited, and also very nervous and scared. It is starting to feel more real. Which is kind of scary. I still have all of those stupid fears and emotional baggage... What if we never find a birth mother, what if no one thinks I'm worthy to be a mom.. what if it just never happens...
But, I am trying to think positive, to be positive and to keep on swimming...
Meanwhile.. we're doing fund raising. Conventional adoption can, sadly, be very expensive, and, while we think we've figured out how to fund it, it would be very much easier if we had more money set aside for it. (We actually had a decent sized chunk set aside, and then, well, things happened.. some good - M got the chance to go to Japan with a school group for a few weeks, and we had the family wedding to go to, oh and we had some legal fees for finally getting M's custody changed so she is with us full time now - and some not so good - the water heater died on us this summer, as did a freezer and the washing machine is acting up- but, even so, we still have some set aside..) So if you can help at all, that would be great.. Passing word along is helpful too.. http://www.youcaring.com/tom-and-davina-stuart-399717#.VbaFuCn3hXs.facebook
Also, we will likely be  officially starting the birth mother hunt in the next few months, so passing word along about that would also be helpful. We should be getting a profile done in the next few months and I will post that when we do. We are open to all ethnic variations (we're all the same "race" after all - human) and genders and are willing to discuss levels of open-ness. And we are willing to travel, if need be, so we're not limited just to Alaska :)
That's our update.. Thanks all :)